What are boundaries?
Think of them as your personal rules, expectations and set of standards that belong to you and sit within your core values and beliefs. These rules determine how you let others treat you, speak to you or even the things they do for you or ask of you but more so what you are willing to take on or willing to let go.
For a long time, I thought saying “yes” to everything meant I was being a good person, mum, or friend. I put everyone else first, pushed my own needs aside, I didn’t realise this only leads to exhaustion, resentment, and losing sight of who you are.
Why do we find them hard?
Society teaches us that putting ourselves first is selfish, or that asking for space means letting people down. We worry others will be upset or think less of us or we may loose the connections we have. But the truth is: you can care deeply for people and still have healthy boundaries with them, in fact having healthy boundaries and them being respected and respecting others boundaries makes for healthy relationships and deeper connections.
Why are boundaries important to your wellbeing?
They protect your energy: Every time you say “yes” when you mean “no”, or let someone treat you poorly, you give away pieces of yourself. Boundaries keep your energy safe, so you have enough left for you.
They give you back control: Friends and family mean well, but they bring their own views and experiences. Without boundaries, it’s easy to live by their ideas of what’s right for you. Boundaries remind you that you are the expert on your own life.
They build self-respect: Setting a boundary says “my feelings and my needs matter”. It isn’t weak, it’s brave, and it’s how you look after the most important person in your life: you.
Healthy boundaries build trust, safety and understanding within our relationships. They let others know how we want to interact, how we wish to be supported, and what meets our needs or what may be harmful to us. Boundaries are a vital part of self-care, and they help us maintain our autonomy. Having clear, healthy boundaries also helps reduce unhealthy co-dependent behaviours.
Ultimately, boundaries aren’t about shutting people out, they exist so you can stay true to who you are, and always feel safe and secure in your own space. When you stop paying attention to your boundaries, or start bending them too far just for the sake of others, you slowly lose touch with yourself. You start to feel disconnected, or notice changes in how you act or feel that just don’t fit with your sense of self. What’s more, it leaves you feeling vulnerable and unbalanced.
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